Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever need a stair lift when I'm older... Gonna make sure it's a toilet, so I can take care of 2 things at once.

   The person who coined the term "terrible twos" clearlny never had a child that lived past 2, which is good because if they though 2 was bad, they would have lost their $hit with a 4 year old.

   I'm not saying she was ugly, but the dog had to close his eyes just to hump her leg

   Ever have one of those days where stopping for 1 beer turns into 5; turns into 12, turns into I haven't seen my family in 4 days?

   Everyone has an ugly friend. If you don't have an ugly friend then, well... this is awkward.

   Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......

   Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

   Anthony Weiner to star in new mini-series...Sext and the pity.

   If you love someone, let them go, if it's me, I'm never coming back.

   I don't want to complain that it's too hot in my roof-top, but two Hobbits just threw a ring in here

   Ladies; send brother requests to all the thirsty guys so they wont bother you ever again.

   Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for approximately 30 seconds.

   Hey musicians; There is nothing wrong with doing dumb, desperate sh*t to promote your new album or stay relevant, but dropping good music is a better way to do it.

   Once a girl says your are like a brother to me, then you know you aint never hitting it.

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   Eeyore and Tigger need to trade meds.

   it rude to ask someone to bleach their butthole before you toss their salad?

   The little dance your thumbs do when you aren't sure how to respond to a text.

   How can you NOT be a pervert with a name like Weiner?!?!