Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved

   If you don't have an ugly person in your group of friends, it's probably you.

   If all is dishonestly truthful and deceitfully sublime, the dauntlessly delightful deliquescent shall bring maladjustment and malaise.

   I wonder if sex thinks about me as much as I think about sex

   Admit it or not, there's an undeniable satisfaction when your ex replaces you with someone who looks like a double from Planet of the Apes.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"

   Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me.

   Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.

   Eagles wide reciever Riley Cooper has been excused from all team activities so that he can go attend a cooking class with Paula Deen

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   A woman asking you to make her feel like the only girl in the world is basically asking you to become a serial killer and murder all the other women in the world.

   If it wasn't for Google or Bing the world would be full of idiots

   Wake me up, before you go, ho.

   I'm actually a nice guy once you get to kill me.

   I know that my boss is impressed that I can work and stare at my phone at the same time. He just doesn't show it well.

   Women are selfish. Why do you want me to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world? Why not just make you one of the billion luckiest girls in the world?

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is gross.

   Quitting facebook has made it very difficult to stay in touch with all my fake friends.

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   Men are complicated creatures. Some admire the buttocks, others prefer breasts and a select few pt for the d*ck.