Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna get homeless people excercise and running?....Tell em "FREE SHOES"

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   A-Roid sure is ballsy for a guy without balls...

   A-Fraud! Suspended

   Instead of the government giving out free birth control, they should issue every woman a Nancy Pelosi mask. That would work better and cost less.

   Short guys are like the fat chicks of men.

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   Friday are we there yet?

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   Perfection is for liars and fakes.

   Nickelback to play Boston bombing victim's Concert. In related news, Train to play relief concert for those who saw Nickelback.... (etc.. Bieber)

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.

   Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The Rooster...

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   If you say "cash money" around me, Don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts",,,,,,,,,,,,,See how stupid that sounds?

   My dog runs for president,,,, gets asked race sensitive question,,, "The thing is, I don't see color"......*crowd goes wild*

   I don't blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers :/