Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am tried of 7 day weeks and having to wait for the weekend. I think the week should be as followed. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Get rid of Wednesday and Thursdays. . .

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   Its raining today, I guess my neighbors can't go to work today........They are mexican

   My voicemail greeting is now a Justin Bieber song. if you can make it to the end of the song without hanging up then I’ll listen to the message, because obviously it’s important!

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.

   Shark Week is so much better that Shart Week!

   Never trust someone that smiles on Monday morning.

   I'd rather watch highlights from a WNBA game than listen to ESPN talk about Johnny Manziel and A-Rod again.

   Never sure if a girl is hot or just that her massive sunglasses are blocking her face.

   In honor of Yankees Superstar Alex Rodriguez's 211 game suspension for steroid use, the city of New York has announced that it plans to name the Verazno-Narrows Bridge (The longest suspension bridge in the world) the "A-Rod Suspension Bridge."

   A-Rod vows to come back 10 times bigger and 10 times stronger.

   A wife turned down an offer to bury her husband in the Holy Land for $75. When asked why she paid $17,000 to buried him in the US, she said, "she heard a story of a Man who was ressurected back in the day!"

   Did you ever think just maybe...just maybe... that the shark attacked you cuz you in his kitchen? Its not like he comes inside your house and swims in your kitchen,... and if that ever happened its called "Tuna Surprise Dinner!"

   You know you've just had a Killer leg workout when you finish your session && afterwards you're walking like baby Bambi.

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   Wanna get homeless people excercise and running?....Tell em "FREE SHOES"

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?