Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."

   going to celebrate national left handed day by cheating on my right hand

   Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend - stalker, needy, arrogant, troublemaker,and ignorant - deleted and blocked.

   I'm not saying it was right, but I bet all those guys Whitey killed were dirtbags too...

   No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you'll still never get your own back.

   Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend deleted and blocked.

   Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.

   I guess there won't be mens figure skating at the winter olympics...

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

   I'd pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.

   I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

   The only difference between a Rectal Thermometor and an oral one is the taste.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   Ladies; The only way I am taking you on a $500 date is if you bring $475 along with you.

   If a chick gives you head with no hands it's cuz she is going for your wallet

   Women use men for free food and get mad when we use them for sex.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.