Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonders if Johnny Manziel realized when he signed up to be an Aggie that A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, Not Autographs & Money.

   I qonder if Shamu and Orca get jealous of Shark week

   When are liquor stores going to get in on the Groupon game

   Thanks to A-Rod, the Anthony Weiner scandal has kinda petered out.

   There's nothing worse than getting crop dusted by the gay guy at work on a Monday morning...

   Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(

   how do germans tie their shoes in little nazis

   In New Mexico a man was arrested for buying a woman food so that she would have sex with hom. The man has been charged with Dating.

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   Relationships are weird. "you're funny and smart" eventually turns to "you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

   Weiner tells A-Rod to Stick it out.

   I wonder if sharks have people week.

   He said: Am I the first man to sleep in your bed? She said: Well... if you actually fall asleep then yes.

   Facebook event invites are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet

   You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

   I’ve been to hell and back so many times I bought some property while I was there.

   I listen to smooth jazz from time to time, but it depends on which elevator I’m in.

   You can't be wise and in love at the same time.

   There's no WE in pizza. Only i.

   Wonder if A-Rod's new sponsor is going to be a syringe company...