Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have been calling my girlfriend "honey" for 6 years now, because I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I forgot her name.

   Just once I'd love to attend a funeral where people are being honest and keeping it real about the deceased asking questions like, "Who here is going to pay me the money he owed me?"

   Now that shark week is over, we can all go back to swimming in the oceans...

   If you love her, then always tell her about how you truly feel about her. For example, "I like you and would love to see my d*ck in your mouth"

   The heavier the girl, the more pics of really buff guys go up on her timeline.

   Just case my wife creates a joint FB account, I've already hired a hit man to murder me and frame her.

   There is nothing more dangerous than someone with a brain who doesn't know how to use it.

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

   My extremely gåy friend had an 80′s themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

   A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes that they are.

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

   I have 98.9999 problems because rounding up is one of them...

   Women love when you do "the little things." I don't know what they are, but they love that sh*t

   She is your girl too? Oh man we are on the same team!!

   Fat women invented the Blind Date to trick men into having to give them a free meal.