Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the plot of Breaking Amish isn’t an Amish guy with cancer who sells light bulbs to pay his medical bills then you can count me out.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   when life throws skittles at you and tells you to taste the rainbow, just throw m&ms back and say I'm not afraid.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   Women with pierced tongues are like Microsoft. They can't do it right so they add more hardware.

   hey I just found my beeper...on top of my Atari

   Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude.

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   Yes I'm back in the GYM working on my 6 pack already burned four, two more beers to go.

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: We need whipped cream. We need whipped cream ;)

   The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   I'm the guy who would give a dying man a bottle of whiskey and some kind words. Knowing I'd get the whiskey back in a few minutes anyhow.

   People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.

   You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."

   What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.

   I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.