Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend deleted and blocked.

   Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.

   I guess there won't be mens figure skating at the winter olympics...

   If you are keeping up with the Kardashians and you are a guy, I have bad news for you. You may not already know this but you are gay.

   If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

   I'd pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.

   I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

   The only difference between a Rectal Thermometor and an oral one is the taste.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   Ladies; The only way I am taking you on a $500 date is if you bring $475 along with you.

   If a chick gives you head with no hands it's cuz she is going for your wallet

   Women use men for free food and get mad when we use them for sex.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.

   Childbirth. The most beautiful thing in the world… Being destroyed by a baby.

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck.

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.