Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.

   There’s a mathematical formula for understanding women. I forgot the specifics, but at the end you divide by zero.

   to keep things interesting in the bedroom bring an extra laptop

   Men are jealous competitive creatures. For example, “He probably has a small d*ck” is how men say “I wish I had a car like that.”

   Neighborhood birds start chirping at 4:05am. Knowing justice belongs to those who claim it, you place an alarm in each nest set to 4:04am.

   I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying "Instagram is down it's useless"

   I'm sorry I made sex noises while the waiter was reading the specials.

   If you have to air up your car tire more than once a week, life isn't working out like you planned...

   Tom Brady is a 3-time Super Bowl Champ & bangs a supermodel. Tim Tebow is a virgin bench-warmer...I think we know who God likes better.

   I am a Privates Investigator.

   Lost fifty dollars in my neighborhood. If someone finds it I'll give them a free dog.

   Counting to ten when you are angry works so much better when you are counting punches to someone's face.

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   Sometimes,people aren't always who they seem to be and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought ...

   My facebook page is like a restaurant if you don't like what I am serving feel free to go somewhere else.

   When the rich robs the poor, it's called business. When the poor fight back, it's called violence !

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   Why people diss Wal-Mart? Is it so great that it has the most number of haters?

   i entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win....no pun in ten did