Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not walk before me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't even walk beside me. Just leave me the hell alone.

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." Right now I am getting called on the carpet in my Batman costume.

   Judging by my friends getting married, finding your soulmate must make you fat.

   The worst thing you can say to a white girl is a toss up between "Gwyneth Paltrow would hate you if she knew you" & "Your ankles are thick."

   Fortune cookie said to go ahead with any new schemes. Dining and ditching then seemed justifiable.Why dish it out if you cant take it Mings?

   Almost made a citizens arrest today on the grounds of you being a douche bag. In the end I only walked behind you and stepped on your heels.

   I get nervous after taking time off work that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

   How soon is too soon to have a new friend come over to scratch a rash that may or may not be contagious?

   so...it seems they announced the new Batman. Christian Bale fans have really Ben Affleckted by it.

   I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

   Ben Affleck....as Batman? What, couldn't get Betty White?

   Damn it. I wanted to be the next Batman......

   I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?

   I'm making money in my spare time by working.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   Ben Affleck to play Batman in the new movie. Which can only mean one thing… Matt Damon as Robin.

   Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   They say milk gives you strenght so I drank 5 glasses and still couldnt move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself.