Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, if you ask a man to do something he'll do it. You don't have to keep reminding him every six months.

   I figured out to lose some weight. I'm going to get a full-body tattoo of myself only 50 pounds smaller.

   Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."

   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you move bodies no questions asked.

   I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why TLC didn't want him to go?

   I am convinced Judas was a woman...They can kill you with a smile or a kiss.

   How has someone not done a full body tattoo that is a maze?

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   Me: How much for a wank? Prostitut: $15 Me: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night

   If you are a pharmacist and you never yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your a s s!" Then we could never be friends

   I'm sorry for doing a slow clap after you told me your boyfriend broke up with you

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church.

   I once dated a girl who wrote mystery novels. Her handjobs always ended with a surprise twist.

   "I want a man who takes control but isn't controlling" - Women

   This girl says she is watching her figure. That makes the two of us.

   Do these yoga pants make your d*ck look hard??

   Apparently, sitting down all day makes your bum grow bigger. All I have to do is figure out how I'll start sitting using my chest.

   Some guys also play hard to get. Only in their case, it means they are gay.