Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...

   Recent studies suggest that people are more cynical these day than ever before. Like I'm supposed to believe that.

   Does Stephen Hawking think that automated calls are making fun of him?

   Great music lives on in perpetuity to those who seek it.

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   I have only one problem with women peeing in public.They never wink back.

   Women don't fart because they can't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.

   The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?

   I'm not a professional pilot, but I can wear a pair of aviator glasses and helicopter my wiener in the front yard for like 3 hours straight.

   that that tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.

   I will never understand the physics behind british people losing their accents when they sing.

   I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.

   If the plot of Breaking Amish isn’t an Amish guy with cancer who sells light bulbs to pay his medical bills then you can count me out.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   when life throws skittles at you and tells you to taste the rainbow, just throw m&ms back and say I'm not afraid.

   Whenever I say: "I'm as sober as a Judge" I'm talking about Paula Abdul.

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.

   Women with pierced tongues are like Microsoft. They can't do it right so they add more hardware.

   hey I just found my beeper...on top of my Atari