Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   To show your new GF how classy you are when visiting her parents for the first time, ask for some matches before heading to the bathroom…

   I'll bet the YMCA song is really hard to do in Chinese.

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   You haven't lived until you've been thrown out of your favourite restaurant.

   I've never got tired of loving people. I do get tired of putting up bullsh*t, dogsh*t, catsh*t they show after getting the attention.

   While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald's stops serving breakfast.

   Remember, it's not gay if its for a promotion!

   Bathrooms are weird. Why does the $hit room have a solid door but the jackoff room has a glass door? I don’t care if my wife walks in on me while I’m crapping…

   Wives just don't understand how much rubbing it takes to clean a di(k in the shower...