Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get nervous after taking time off work that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

   How soon is too soon to have a new friend come over to scratch a rash that may or may not be contagious?

   so...it seems they announced the new Batman. Christian Bale fans have really Ben Affleckted by it.

   I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

   Ben Affleck....as Batman? What, couldn't get Betty White?

   Damn it. I wanted to be the next Batman......

   I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?

   I'm making money in my spare time by working.

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   "Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy

   Ben Affleck to play Batman in the new movie. Which can only mean one thing… Matt Damon as Robin.

   Lets be honest. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend...there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

   Glass half empty, glass half full...it really doesn't matter how you see it, all that matters is there is room to add more vodka to that glass.

   They say milk gives you strenght so I drank 5 glasses and still couldnt move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself.

   A Mosquito landed on my friends face.. Easiest decision of my life..

   7 billion people, 14 billion faces.

   No matter how long you have been together, it's completely okay to walk out of someone's life if you just don't feel like you belong there anymore.

   i swear; when people are in love they are never themselves, they are something else....

   When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.