Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tupperware order has shipped,, and in 2-3 business days I finally won't have to contain my excitement.............WAIT !,, Or will I?

   So the cop was like 'say the alphabet backwards',, So I said 'the alphabet backwards',, Then we laughed and laughed............ Send bail money

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense

   When religious people judge you for not being religious. Pretty sure your religion says your not supposed to judge other people. Talk about being hypocritical.

   I don't need alcohol to have a good time. I need it to make sure I don't have a bad time...

   Looks like someone thought it would be a good idea to let the jester rule the kingdom again.

   I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.

   Little brothers XBOX broke. Go to new one. Worthless Walmart employee was too lazy to find one. Tells me they are all out. So I stand in front of her and buy it online with in store pickup so she has to find it. BAM

   Congratulations to Michael Jackson on 4 years of sobriety!

   If the person is more than 25 feet away from you, holding the door is creepy.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s as$ would look better in those shorts.

   Education should be free for all people willing to learn!

   To skip any youtbue ad just change ‘youtbue’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.

   There’s “hell” in hello, “good” in goodbye, “lie” in believe, “over” in lover, “end” in friend, “ex” in “next”, & “if” in life.

   Missing someone has been proven to cause insomnia. Being frustrated because you’re without that special someone keeps you awake.

   Me: I cleaned all the dishes Mom: aren’t you going to put them away too? Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

   Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.

   Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?

   2014 is in 4 months.. Let that sink in

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.