Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   I swear Taylor Swift only dates men for song material.

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery

   So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?

   I heard Kanye West announced that he and Kim Kardashian are expecting a child. My sincere condolences to the child.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   If you received a Christmas gift, but you didn't p ost a picture of it on your FB wall, did you really receive a gift?

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing

   My wife's safe word: "Not tonight"

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   Call me an optimist, but one day I hope to see changes in the Arab world. Like freedom of speech, democracy or someone smiling in public.

   Hey girls who feel empty and inadequate unless they have a man; that's a lot of pressure on a creature that can't even piss inside a toilet bowl without missing.