Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a certain brilliance inside people who conceal deep pain with comedy.

   Teaching your son to respect a woman is way more important than teaching him to play a sport.

   Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.

   “After five guys I feel like a bad person,” doesn’t sound right even though I’m referring to a cheeseburger with fries.

   Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?

   I don’t care how many weights you can lift. You’ll never be Badass as the 64yo lady that swam 110miles from Cuba to FL, pus%ies.

   Life can sometimes be like photography… you need the "negatives" to "develop"

   Psycho is the new normal

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.

   I am confused, Did the murder/ cheater/ substance abuser Ray Lewis retire or not cuz they are sure showing him a lot on tv right now..

   why don't we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....