Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are 30% human and 70% emotions.

   Jealous people are God's way of reminding us that we are awesome enough to be envied.

   Of course I know my pants are unzipped lady...its a great way to meet people who check out my crotch.

   I'm done with the bullsh*t. Calf sh*t is officially welcomed!

   Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?

   The new F word today is FORGIVE. So I F all of you.

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   This IKEA joke may be cheap,,, but it still took me hours to figure out how to set up.

   Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Putting your finger against someone's lips and saying "Shhhh.... Not another word." is super romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   To show your new GF how classy you are when visiting her parents for the first time, ask for some matches before heading to the bathroom…

   I'll bet the YMCA song is really hard to do in Chinese.

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.