Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...

   Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters.

   *stands under White House windows holding a boombox & blasting War Pigs at full volume*

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   Telling a woman to calm down when she's drunk, works about as well as baptizing a cat !

   Who needs Starbucks? My bar serves coffee.

   The fact that hot divorced women exist is proof they all have some crazy in them...

   How come LL Cool J licks his lips and all the women think its sexy, but I do it and I get escorted out of Victoria's Secret AND the mall?

   This beer just whispered "I want to be inside you" and I was all like "ok dude, but I probably need to get drunk first".

   Lets see do I root for the Gators or the Hurricanes today? Aaron Hernandez -3(murders) or Ray Lewis +3(murders).

   I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations

   My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another

   "There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.

   I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?

   Whenever another man tells you, "You're a lucky man" in reference to your girlfriend. It's just a polite way of saying "Watch your back, I might just replace you"

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman several shots of tequila and you're in for the night of your life.

   It takes approximately 6 hours for a woman to find a ringing phone in her handbag.

   Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?

   And A Big shout out to any FBI, CIA Or government office who happen to have me on some watch list, F*U* !

   Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me