Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know how to break this to you... I will be as gentle as possible... *smiles lovingly*... but today isn't Friday yet either...

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   I wonder how much they pay Stephen Hawking to make those severe weather announcements on the radio?

   Apparently Ariel Castro recently changed his Facebook status to 'Swinger' and now he wont return my phone calls!

   If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.

   If your boyfriend answers your text while playing Call of Duty, he doesn't love you. He just died on the game.

   Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your tiitties

   would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already

   My crash diet just crashed face first into a bacon double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.

   Dear Canada, you can stop emailing me. We have pharmacies here, too...

   What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of sperm and makes women scream? The sock under my bed.

   Building credibility on Facebook is like having sex with a blow up doll and telling people you get laid all the time!

   I call my pen*s 'caution' because when I throw caution to the wind at least it gets blown.

   Called the service provider turns out everything is okay, and you did get my texts, so I'm outside your window watching you read this...

   A strip club inside Starbucks - Starbutts.

   God has send us all in pairs…someone…somewhere is made for u…so wait for the right time n right moment.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro's neck.

   Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?