Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

   Phillip is cryin a River after that Texan sized ass whoopin

   Hey, Apple: Don't waste my time with this iPhone 5S unless it's learned that nobody's ever typing "ducking he'll."

   It's a big turn off when a woman takes out a restraining order against you... but it's definitely not a deal breaker.

   Note to self: Don't flirt with unstable girls. They take you serious.

   Walking calmly and nonchalantly to the bathroom and then fighting to get my britches down in record time so's I don't poop down a pant leg seems to be among my most recent list of super powers today. Life is good ツ

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   Fun Fact: Vanilla Ice's original album To the Extreme has sold more copies than every Justin Bieber album combined. Word to yo mutha.

   Syria is like someone elses unruly child. You want to spank the $hit out of them but you shouldn't...

   If you're vegetarian then clearly you haven't tasted turkey!

   We should give the Syrian goverment hoodies and skittles... Then send George Zimmerman

   £800 pound for a coffin lid? Over my dead body

   I'm thinking the Who should change their name to the Two. Just sayin!

   I don't text you, Beer and Vodka does!

   Tuesday is the Jan Brady of the days of the week.

   Balloons are weird... "Happy Birthday! Here is a plastic sack of my breath."

   If the camera adds ten pounds, why does Rush Limbaugh use 10 cameras?

   You don't know pain until you've caught your pénis in your zipper.

   My cat eats ONLY top-quality organic treats... And licks its own butthole.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.