Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I'm planning on wearing it on Friday.

   Clapping is just your right hand beating the sh*t out of your left hand to show that you appreciated something.

   Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away

   You can't be poor and ugly. Choose one struggle.

   I'm not just handsome. I'm Photoshop handsome.

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.

   If you get a call from a telemarketer, hand the phone to a three-year-old and tell him it's Santa Claus.

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

   Mess with telemarketers! Some aren't allowed to hang up, so answer the call, take a shower, have a snack, then say "no thanks."

   Anthony Weiner came up short.

   What happens when a community organizer plays with the big boys? Warmonger to Putin's toy in one day.

   So, the iPhone 5s has a fingerprint reader. Sorry amputees......

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   Did you guys hear about the Italian atheist? He doesn't believe in the God-father....

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   In other news, Weiner is shriveling in the NY City mayoral race

   If we could harness all the stupid f**ks in the world we'd become free of fossil fuels. . .

   i have a bad moisture-induced glitter clump problem!