Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “After five guys I feel like a bad person,” doesn’t sound right even though I’m referring to a cheeseburger with fries.

   Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?

   I don’t care how many weights you can lift. You’ll never be Badass as the 64yo lady that swam 110miles from Cuba to FL, pus%ies.

   Life can sometimes be like photography… you need the "negatives" to "develop"

   Psycho is the new normal

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Some of the most anxious times in my life has been the time it takes a dropped knife to hit the floor instead of lopping off one my toes.

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.

   I am confused, Did the murder/ cheater/ substance abuser Ray Lewis retire or not cuz they are sure showing him a lot on tv right now..

   why don't we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

   I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   I found a six metre roll of bubble wrap at work this morning, and my boss said, "Just pop it in the corner." Six bloody hours it took me....

   Spooning can lead to forking.

   Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

   Never trust a person who just throws away bubble wrap without at least popping a few before they do.

   All this makeup is hiding how certain girls really look. Smokey eyes , thick ass eyebrows. Gotta take these girls swimming on the first date

   God never gives you anything you can't handle and apparently he thinks I can handle a hell of alot.

   Hey Blame Obama Hotline, how does it feel to be blamed for everything~George W.