Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues.

   I went to an orphanage and not a single orphan was singing. I assume that's why they're still there.

   There is an elegance, and an art, to being beautifully broken

   Don't ask me for advice my answer is always get them drunk.

   all of my recipes for success end up with me on the floor eating cheese

   I'm not an economist, but I think I could make a lot of money selling drugs.

   Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...

   Hwy renters get up and do something to make a difference then! Your rants aren't enough!!!

   says so I told the teaching lady that the only letters of the alphabet I need to learn are you S and A!

   The sky is the limit unless you understand science.

   Just kicked a "the book was better" dude square in the nuts.

   Never get your panties in a bunch... The good quality ones are sold individually.

   I've got the body of a 21 year old,, but I have to give it back cuz I'm getting it wrinkled

   I'm trying to think of a really good Miley Cyrus joke but it's not twearking

   Whew, that salad filled me up-said no real man EVER

   Wow, Lil Wayne's now on Paris Hilton's new song. Those tear drop tattoos should be real tears, Weezy.

   I'm more comfortable with animals than humans. Animals understand love clearly. Love a human and they misconstrue it a thousand ways.

   I wanna open a store where you can touch expensive things you'll never afford and call it "Feel Free".

   Give a man a fish, he will eat. Give a man religion, he will serve praying for a fish to eat.

   I don't hate you, but I hope you want an iPhone for christmas and you get the 5c.