Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saved a bunch of money by switching my insurance to passenger seats

   Allstate says your rates won't go up if you have an accident. Yeah, because they will cancel your policy!!

   when did the world give up on Common Courtesy

   I find the people who complain constantly about people around them being fake n scandalous are usually the most fake and scandalous ones around.

   To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .

   I often wonder if people think they are invisible when they're picking their nose while they drive, is there some kind of stealth button up there they press. . .

   Dear summer, Go home... You're drunk

   I wonder if Sonic provides same sex benefits for those dudes in their commercials???

   If Obama can't understand how an attack can cause negative repercussions, show him picutres of OJ and then the Kardashians.

   When a man has a firm handshake, it's confident and authoritative. When a woman has one, it's just creepy...

   I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.

   If I ever ask how your day is going, any response other than "fine" will be considered an act of aggression.

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   I don't like the word “religion.” I prefer “Mandatory imaginary fun time or we kill you.”

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   My favourite sexual position is 'The Obama'. It's where I choose someone who promises me wonderful things but over time screws me over.

   " OMG ... I would kill for another Nobel Peace Prize. " Barack Obama

   Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   I don’t trust banks. I keep all my sperm in a sock under my mattress.