Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?

   "I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots," haters, and insecurs...

   Obama: children in Syria were gassed. It means, Obama is not going to kill children?! I'm not sure! Please don’t swindle us!

   Some of you make me jealous. You have hours to devote to people you hate and I barely have time for people I adore.

   Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

   Any guy that makes your girl laugh…pull your head out of your ass and start worrying about him.

   Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to order pizza and watch tv.

   Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world.

   You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.

   Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.

   It's amazing how fast you can get drunk when you hate everyone around you.

   When I feel like eating pu$$y, I order Chinese.

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   How many calories does avoiding responsibility burn? Asking for a friend.

   Got passed by a Smart car today, and now I'm wondering where I can pick up a stronger set of balls.

   I'll make you feel good for a few seconds and then remind you how single you are after. - masturbation

   Bring me coffee or die in a suspicious fire.