Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you get a call from a telemarketer, hand the phone to a three-year-old and tell him it's Santa Claus.

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

   Mess with telemarketers! Some aren't allowed to hang up, so answer the call, take a shower, have a snack, then say "no thanks."

   Anthony Weiner came up short.

   What happens when a community organizer plays with the big boys? Warmonger to Putin's toy in one day.

   So, the iPhone 5s has a fingerprint reader. Sorry amputees......

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   Did you guys hear about the Italian atheist? He doesn't believe in the God-father....

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   In other news, Weiner is shriveling in the NY City mayoral race

   If we could harness all the stupid f**ks in the world we'd become free of fossil fuels. . .

   i have a bad moisture-induced glitter clump problem!

   When you sleep naked after jerking off without washing up...make sure you don't put your thumb in your mouth.

   To err is human. To arr is pirate.

   You bought an iPhone5C? Why no iPhone5A?

   Apple announced a new iPhone that doesn't work even better than the last iPhone didn't work!

   Bo Jackson takes 5 hour energy?? Well, let me rush out and buy some even tho it tastes like horse pee...

   There's a difference between kissing ass and ass kissing. One gets you ahead in life the other gets you nowhere.

   If you can't handle Batman at his Ben Affleck then you don't deserve him at his Christian Bale.