Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dated a swallower. I married a ‘get that thing out of my face’.

   "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened with daddy issues, and I will give you drinks." Brolossians 11:28

   I'm white but not "always bets against Floyd Mayweather and lose my money" white.

   It's not premature if you're still at the dinner table and she doesn't notice.

   it bad that "wine" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?

   I'm just looking for a nice girl who can peel a banana without using her hands or teeth.

   My last girlfriend said I was too immature. She dumped me during a game of hide and seek I forced her to play. I searched for days.

   If you're happy and you know it go away.

   My name is Brian but my friends call me when they need a favour.

   i set my dvr to record the bigest loser and all I get is dallas cowboys games

   Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.

   I don't care how awesome your cat is, you're just someone with a box full of $hit in your house.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?

   Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake.

   Next time you cuddle your cat, remember that her inner monologue is "You know if you died I'd eat your eyes, right?"