Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended

   I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore ppornographyy.

   Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)

   Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!

   Tony Abbott as self appointed Minister for Women's Affairs? “I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced”.

   Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

   On arrrr Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye should take a moment to remember being in Davy's grip during the big rat scurvy epidemic.

   Want to make friends at a new job? When going to the bathroom, choose the urinal next to someone and strike up a conversation. Be sure to compliment their stance and form.

   When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.

   If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   You don't have to like me but at least base it on your own opinion, not someone else's.

   Somebody should tell fat girls that multiple ear piercings won't make them look skinny.

   Every so often I'll listen to my mom talk non stop for like 5yrs at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.

   I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.