Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sure hope they get the NJ boardwalk fixed in time for hurricane season!!

   Your girlfriend brings all the boys to the yard because she always swallows.

   You're never going to satisfy someone who doesn't know what they want. That's why I always get the assortment cookie pack.

   I forgot to put on my bike shorts before riding today. That really chaps my a$$!!

   I think I've mastered the art of walking around the parking lot for an hour pretending not to be looking for my car

   Back when I was a kid, there was no internet.....So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a c&%t

   to the burger king employee, with the man Mayo. if you want to make 15 dollars a hour get a real job

   To the man who does not want me to make $15 an hour at Burger King.....that wasn't real mayonaise

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth...

   If you come in late to work you must leave early to make up for it.

   Just wondering how the Monkeys got infected with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, in the first place

   "One, two, Freddy's comin' for you... Three, four, you'd better lock your door..." oh wait, wrong holiday!

   Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

   FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don't remember who you are.

   Read Putin's Op-Ed in the New York Times. This crap would have been a lot more believable if after every paragraph he said "....Mr. Bond."

   Ladies; Be Careful about listening to Oprah's relationship advice especially considering she is a billionaire and most of you are either still living with your parents or are perpetually broke.

   I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.

   Why in 2013 do semmingly smart broadcasters with english or journalism degrees continue to say "same exact"?? It's effing dumb stupid...

   Laughter is the best medicine..long as you take percocet with it

   If Cheetos made beer, I'd drink that $hit!!