Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   When you're ugly and you hear attractive people call themselves ugly and your self esteem goes down by 14564%

   How did the tooth cross the river? It took the "tooth ferry"......... Thanks, I'll be here all week

   Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   *at my 8th grade spelling bee*.. "spell ABANDON".... ABANDON,, D-A-D,,, *judge starts sobbing into mic then slams the bell*

   Hello, I am Inigo Montoya,,, I am your waiter,,, here's your menu,,, prepare to dine.

   I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......

   Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.

   Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.

   I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.

   Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7

   Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.