Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   “I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster

   "Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever

   RE-INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE

   Let's be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.

   But, officer, look at this awesome s tatus I was about to p ost.

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   Fellas; The way to a girl's heart is through her cat.

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   Ladies, don't say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.

   Some guy just walked by and offered to sell me an iPhone 25. Apparently he’s a time traveler and he… I'm high again, aren't I.

   You call it stalking, I call it stalking. SEE HOW MUCH WE HAVE IN COMMON WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU

   Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn't read a single one)

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   God never made a smart atheist... even tho many of the fools claim to be

   After reading an article entitled, “The 7 Weirdest Birth Control Methods Throughout History” I don't have any questions about where STDs might have come from anymore.

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..