Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get... 
Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar...
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
Time heals all wounds. Because eventually you will be dead.
A lot of guys get married just because they're hungry.
This hot chick is totally hitting on me, women can have Adams apples right?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift your beer belly is it.
Holy shit, I just found out time travel is possible. You can go to 2004 by just following this link: www.myspace.com
Marks & Spencer have apologised for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. If you're one of the vegans who mistakenly ate one of those salads ...That's why it was so yummy!
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.
Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently, like I don't treat every burrito with the utmost respec
Every notice Bl acks are too good to eat a Buger King but they are good enough to get off the interstate come in make a mess of the restroom and leave.
Do Obama phones immediately quit working if the government shuts down? Asking for a friend......
Dear Vegetarians: My food p00ps on your food. Enjoy that salad.
I have to do my duty and report to jury service...hehehe I said doody!
Since ios7, Everytime I unlock my phone, I see the Breaking Bad theme and have to do the BAow... Bow Bow Bow.. in my head.
I'm CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
It's almost as if Kanye West doesn't realize his girlfriend actually made and distributed p orn.
Patience can best be described as standing in line behind someone buying lottery tickets without strangling them to death. 