Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wasteful are those who sleep alone on a bed made for two.

   If you’re going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance....

   Say what you will about George Zimmerman. But the guy really sticks to his guns.

   If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit...

   No, I'm not on drugs. I was born this way! I'm like this, all day everyday.

   I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   i tried to catch some Fog but I Mist

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest the thing she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

   When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches.

   I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.

   I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces.

   The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.

   in England, "pounds" are money....im not fat, I'm rich

   I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.

   If the way you talk to someone isn't the same as the way you talk about them, perhaps you should do neither

   Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways