Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   Can't the gov't just call in Jon Taffer and do this shutdown thing right?

   Damn it!! I wish I had some fireworks for the government shutdown tonight.....

   I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, I call them my friends. . .

   On a dark desert highway,,, cool whip in my hair...

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   Government shutdown...is that a threat or a promise?

   Busting your a$$ is not covered by Obamacare... don't risk it people...

   Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.

   Will be taking part in the looting and anarchy that's sure to come with tonight's government shutdown......

   Good thing my drug dealer delivers rain, sleet or government shutdown......

   Someone give Green Day a nudge...it's October tomorrow....

   Obamacare: Emergency Room Physicians have weighed in... "Stop sticking things up your butt... Don't tell me you sat on a toy fire truck!"

   I have yet to see a woman who became more beautiful because she got a tattoo.

   Whose going to the republican victory party at midnight?

   I don't even bother to look in the mirror anymore. If I do than I'll see that I should probably shave. . .

   Big or small, thick or thin, Vaseline will grt it in...

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk

   Mike Tyson old and frail enough to let him know the tattoo on his face looks stupid? No? Not yet? Hey Mike you rocked in the Hangover

   People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.