Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We would like to thank the NY Giants for their participation in the 2013 NFL season. Please pick up your consolation prize at the door on your way out. Thank you

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

   Have you noticed that the most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon?

   with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.

   ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...

   I hate it when I wake up next to someone and can't remember who they are, where I met them or how they died.

   Never trust a guy who says trust me

   just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*

   Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."

   Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.

   Sometimes I smoke weed just because I think it's what Jesus would've wanted.

   I'm not sure how many looks of death you can get from a spouse before you actually die, but I know its more than 10.

   Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

   One more candy crush request and I will eat all your candies and crush your nose bone - RJ