Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just read a report that said 86% of holy water tested had fecal matter in it. Holy shít!!

   Miley wanted to perform topless at the VMA's. Thank God she only performed a$$less...

   MY BROTHER HAS BEEN STUDYING the CIVIL WAR....he went Gettysburg to walk the actual scenes of the battlefield....but the gate was LOCKED.....unfortunately the history of our nation's fallen heroes is not priority for some leaders.. ..MANY believe it is mo

   PS3 user B.Obama_69 has been playing GTA online constantly since the government went into shutdown. Coincidence? I think not

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   I am the part of your meal that holds the most nutritional value. . .

   I think from now on...I'm going to start referring to the crease on my double chin, as an "extra smile".

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   The Dallas Cowboys say they're not intimidated by Peyton Manning... They also said they are not really sure what "intimidated" means.

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   I just heard that there was shots fired at the U.S. Capitol. That is pretty stupid since they are all on vacation right now !!!!

   A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??

   Breaking News : Shots Fired at Capitol Hill, In Other Words Olympus Has Fallen \ :O /

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   my wife says to me "your nuts" I reply "what about them"?

   I am not a comedian but the joke below sucks big time.

   Kids, let me tell you about this one time when Miley Cyrus twerked and the government temporarily shut down to recover from the trauma.

   Mcdonald's just came out with a new burger. It's called "The McObama" If you order that, then the guy behind you has to pay for it.