Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called a friend of mine today. Her boyfriend picked up and said "she's not into you" the hanged up. Strong and healthy relationship that.

   When I was a kid,,, we had to post updates through two cups and a string.

   I got fired from work for continually putting my fingers into the pickle slicer , but to be fair, they fired her too!

   Huh,,, It's pretty cool how willy wonka got away with murdering all those bratty kids that went on a tour of his candy factory... Hmmm

   Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

   I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille.

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   To the old age you've learnt anything through knowledge and experience; the problem is you remember none of them.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness

   A hoes favorite line is, 'Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'.....Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD

   Destroy you're Ex by calling them you're previous Ex next time you bump into them.

   Thinking about free healthcare and how much it's going to cost me?

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?

   I have learned two things this week; never critique a BJ while getting a BJ and teeth are really, really sharp.

   I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.