Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.

   I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, f*ckface."

   Calm down check out guy, you don't have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn't be in Quickie Mart.

   Dear Straight People: Take Justin Bieber back. We don't want him either. -G@y People

   I've watched pretty woman about 3 times tonight.Note to self hookers get millionares.

   I found the G spot. It's at the end of "shopping."

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically shouts out, “You’ve made a fool of me and yourself.” :))

   Her insomnia was so bad; she couldn't sleep during office hours. :))

   I wish there was a kick under table for people who share their embarrassing photos and staff on Internet.

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   Can you change the ugly foot there on the right > with the fungus on it from adchoice> > > >

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   It turns out that an unlimited charge card is the the easiest way to find the G-spot.

   Forget Morgan Freeman, I'd pay a king's ransom for an app. that would have Christopher Walken's voice read posts.

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.

   Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.