Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   don't cry over spilled milk... it could have been beer...

   I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

   Women claim they want honest men but dare you not blame the obesity on the dress.

   Ladies; When a guy you don't know offers to buy you a drink in a club, he's not being nice he wants to have sex with you. It's not rocket science.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Drake.

   Canada doesn't want you. Why would be buy something that's broken?

   After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.

   Congress is making it look like the British Royal family is doing a lot.

   You're saying," All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships. " DO you have life?

   America was not shutdown properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without corrupt politicians? (Recommended)

   I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...

   Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?

   Jimmy's life would have been so much better if he had been taught to do the Hokey Pokey rather than just cracking corn.

   I trained a raccoon to play dead in the front yard...Okay, I hit him with the truck but the end result is the same thing.

   Fact: The 2013 Boston Red Sox have more beard weight than any team in Major League Baseball history.

   I heard the Buffalo Bills are selling a new item.....Player numbered hospital gowns.....

   Furlough 5k Fun Run......It will be fun... When you finished the race you get sent home with nothing ...