Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We cried of bad leaders. We had a chance to make the right decision. Now deal with the consequences.

   Sharks and children, both can sense fear and weakness.

   The hardest thing in the world to understand is NOT women, its income tax

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is denied... just take out your ObamaPhone and call him.

   Maybe the EBT card shutdown is actually a new DIET plan created by Michelle Obama?

   The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

   I used a sta tus I stole from here that had 8 L IKES, but on my page it only got 2 L IKES. Can I get a refund?

   When it rains it pours for the OU Sooners - not only did Texas beat them but now they learned that they have to return to Oklahoma.

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Monogomy: See Bigamy

   Bigamy: Having one wife too many

   A country song,,, but for how bad country music is.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   The work day would be so much more fun if it were Casualty Friday

   This pen I stole from the bank is off the chain

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   I don't get why girls get mad when men only want them for their bodies. Their brains are just filled with tons of knowledge about shoes.

   I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your voicemail I was too busy walking my dinosaur.

   Facebook relationships are like flowers. They die in a day or two.