Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.

   Why don’t blind people like to skydive? It scares the hell out of the dog. How do they know when they are getting close to the ground? The leash goes slack.

   I was way off. Turns out the movie Aliens vs. Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns.

   If bartenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.

   When I win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   It’s impossible to say "I wasn’t talking to you" politely.

   Tony Romo tried to throw a celebration party but it got intercepted.

   This government shutdown is not as complete or thorough as some might expect. NPR, C-Span, PBS, CNN and MSNBC are still on...

   Maybe we should let Sandusky loose on Congress

   Why hasn't Obama shutdown NPR and PBS yet? It's not like anyone tunes in anyway.

   According to the Body Mass Index chart, I'm too short.

   Have you ever wondered how long it would take for a giraffe to throw up?

   Why is it that in a movie, the good guy can take on three bad guys and get a hell of a beat down without batting an eye, but in the next scene he will wince when the woman tries to dress his wounds?

   Does the Spanish version of Match.com say "Find the Juan for you."?

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*

   All the clowns hated the one female clown because it took forever to get everyone in and out of the car every 30 minutes for her to pee.

   **TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.