Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're jealous when you can't even find a reason for your hate.

   Slipping a tasteful nude photo into my work file... couldn't hurt at this point.

   I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   BREAKING NEWS - House Speaker John Boehner announced that he will not stand in the way of a Senate resolution to end the government shutdown leaving millions of Americans asking, "When did the government shutdown?"

   Calm down cashier clerk, it's just a 5 dollar bill. No need to hold it up against the light and run your marker through it. I spend my counterfits on my drug dealer...

   I swear girls these days. Some of them wake up with a higher sperm count than the men

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.

   Wife: What are you going to do today? Me: Nothing. Wife: But you did nothing all day yesterday. Me: Yes, but I'm not finished.

   PSA-When in a waiting room here are a couple of pointers: no one wants to hear you convo about getting the 'cream' for your itch and 2. turn your ringer DOWN, we don't want to hear 'your baby got back' ringtone.

   It's Sunday and that only means I want Chic Fil A

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?

   I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.

   The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.

   I followed my heart and it lead me to you.

   Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.