Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?

   I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.

   The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.

   I followed my heart and it lead me to you.

   Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.

   me and the mrs and our daughter are having a competition in self control, Weve just unrapped the new t.v. and put the bubble wrap in the corner of the room. Its like the final scene in the good the bad and the ugly, i'm going to break first I think.

   I dont know what came over me! I felt so confident speaking Spanish today! AND TO MY SURPRISE, no f#cking one understood me. Shoking...

   I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. unbelievably rude."

   Things ain't nobody got time for: That

   I can't wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back.....sell all their crap on Craigslist.

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   Men think they have it bad, but they're not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.

   If you hand me a flyer in the streets there's 100% chance that I'll make a jet and aim it at the next bin. And miss.

   Hey girls, quit leaving random bullsh*t at his house, like an old toothbrush or one sock. Leave your kids. HE'LL CALL. He'll call all day.

   The lions in the den Daniel from the bible was thrown into was the first documented sighting of vegetarians.

   Comment on people’s Instagram food pictures with “Funny how your body will convert all this into poop”.

   Miley Cyrus is actually doing a pretty good job distracting all of us from her pretty awful music.