Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidently clicked on a picture of Miley Cyrus twerking......and now I think I have an STD

   Nothing makes an 80 year old Grandma from St. Louis cuss like two ballplayers in a World Series Game who simply watch an easy to catch pop fly simply fall to the ground.

   Remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Bucket". It consists of nothing but chicken crap.

   I went out clubbing last night. I got 12 baby seals; a new personal best.

   Twerking and selfie have been officially added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed.

   According to Facebook, Jackie Chan has died 486 times. I must admit that is a rather incredible stunt...

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   Healthcare.gov got 99 problems and glitches are all of them...

   If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it could be because that's where the septic tank is.

   How many selfies does it take to fill the emotional blackhole in a person's life?

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   How soon after eating lunch is it ok to eat lunch again?

   Why yes, I would like to meet sluts in my area. Thanks for asking Adriana!

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   Just because nobody gets you doesn't make you an Artist........it kinda makes you a doofus

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   The best thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views. The worst thing about "Freedom of Speech" is that everyone can openly express their Religious and Political views.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg question...the rooster.

   I finally figured out the answer to that old chicken and the egg