Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to hit snooze from the back.

   You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?

   tshirt idea: 100% cotton, yo momma picked it.

   it aint about obama its about yo mama

   Science is for the egotistical that think man has all the answers

   Facetious: The only word in the English dictionery to use all the vowels in a row. a.e.i.o.u.

   Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.

   I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   Please, always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   Science is for people who like to think about what's being told. Religion is for people who like to be told what to think.

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   Angry sex is way better than an angry blow job.

   Always tell your daughters they're beautiful, and you love them. There's enough selfies on Facebook already.

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   The only reason Barbie never got pregnant, was Ken came in a different box.

   Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy