Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My super power is leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.

   Wait!!! Just exactly how does a cheese grater make cheese greater?

   *Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*

   Bringing the grandkids to Seaworld next week,, to swim with the sharks... It's Dolphins?.. Whatever...

   I Hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line,, cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.

   Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and then quickly change the subject.

   So,, The cashier at this Trader Joe's forgot to say "I love these" to one of my items, and now I have to go to the end of line and start over.

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   Back in the day, Mom gave us 2 dinner choices. What she cooked or jack $hit....

   I've seen obituaries that were funnier than this crap...

   My ex-girlfriend gave me a sweetest day card. Ok, it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

   Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

   If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''

   If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.