Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   Happy birthday to the microwave oven. As The very first domestic model was introduced 58 years ago today, by the Tappan stove company in Mansfield, Ohio.Formally known as Tappan @ss LLC.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.

   Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip

   Every morning I try something new, but only because the coffee barista cannot get my order right.

   Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.

   When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

   Has anyone created a national do not poke list for Facebook yet?

   “Hey, it's been 10 seconds. Check your pockets again. Maybe your missing keys have magically reappeared there.” (My Brain)

   Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   How come none of these new cartoon girls are as fat as the real person??

   With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state, I feel like our new goal number should be 53 states. A prime number.... "One nation, indivisible..."

   Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats