Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

   Theres a special place in hell reserved fo the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends..

   What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...

   So UM versus FSU game is on tonight....who cares...Im still rooting for the Referee and there stupid calls!! Team Referee...REFs 31 stupid calls to 3 right calls!

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   Don't forget to Spring ahead this Sunday!

   everyone is crazy but me and you and I'm beginning to wonder a little bit about you

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.

   I really miss my younger days because I was a lot less closer to death.

   Fellas, when she babbles on passionately about nothing, pay attention as closely as if she were stark naked, and soon, she just might be.

   Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.

   When I die I'm going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook

   Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it.

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.

   Saturday night is my favorite time of the year.

   the only tatoos I would ever consider are quotation marks between my lips

   Judging by the music and decorations at Walmart we're only 3 days away from Fox News War on Christmas season.