Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Laws should be like clothes. They should be made to fit the people they serve.

   If I ever leave this country(Nigeria) and anybody asks, I'm denying under oath that I'm Nigerian.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   Chris Brown may have beat Rihanna but he has been arrested again for another beating outside a D.C. hotel and he's not even an elected official.

   Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.

   so batman, superman, and spiderman just unfriend me because the giraffe riddle offended them.

   WrestleMania III in the Detroit suburb of Pontiac, Michigan was the highest-attended indoor sports event in the world, with 93,173 fans in attendance.

   She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words.

   What I call morning wood, you're gonna call breakfast in bed.

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   Love is often thought of as an emotion that takes time to develop. In reality, love is just a seed that gets planted. It grows when nourished. Fortunately in my case, my seed is a microwave popcorn seed ...

   I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?

   R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....

   My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.

   When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing

   I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.