Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you're so old; you were an eye witness to the birth of agriculture.

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   Someone said to me "I can never think of anything important or interesting to say on Facebook." I told them not to worry"

   When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   free candy and football. my kinda Thursday

   For every guy that's participating in, "No shave November", I just want to let you know that it will also be, "No pu$$y November" for you as well.

   I have a thing for haters. It's called a middle finger.

   Im surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet

   Women will remember everything you say and do. Especially those things you don't want them to remember.

   You can lead a horse to water but I'd rather ride it to the liquor store.

   I got a discount on a bunch of Cardinal World Series shirts.. I save a lot of money and it wasn't on car insurance. . .

   I can't relate to people who "forget to eat"

   You know when you have a good mum when they let you lick the sticks to the mixer but you know you have a great mum when she turns the mixer off before you lick!!!!!

   I'm just doing my thing, which is kinda like your thing, but better.

   If the power of the mind is so strong,why cant it clean my house while I sit here and think hard about it.

   Sexually molesting the wall while looking for the light switch.

   Tomorrow is National Half Priced Candy Corn Day

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   I just drove by the local high school. It appears all the girls dressed up as sluts today...