Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   "Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'." This recipe is for poor girls.

   ou know what material this is?" [Grab your shirt] "Boyfriend material"

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   Wedding cards should be filed in the Sympathy section.

   Ladies; Take his breath away. Sit on his face.

   When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.

   My GF & I are deeply in love. She loves me for my deep pockets. And I love her for her deep throat.

   Fighting between men lasts around 4 to 5 minutes. Fighting between women lasts a lifetime.

   Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.

   You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.

   ME: Siri, where did my year go? SIRI: "See Facebook"

   When nobody understands what you are talking about, you're either a genius, insane, or you're my GF.