Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.

   When I die I'm going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook

   Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it.

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.

   Saturday night is my favorite time of the year.

   the only tatoos I would ever consider are quotation marks between my lips

   Judging by the music and decorations at Walmart we're only 3 days away from Fox News War on Christmas season.

   Since the Jonas brothers break up.. they've come to an agreement to see each other during the holidays. . .

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!

   ladies, I am looking for a squirter. I meant squirt gun, I am looking for a female squirt gun

   If Eminem wants to be considered one of the greatest rappers that ever lived, then he has to get shot and killed like Biggie and Pac. Those are the rules.

   Attending community college without student aid has made me realize some things. 1. Never rely on the bus as your only form of transport. Buses break down. 2. Mixing Taco Bell sauce with Top Ramen tastes exactly like poverty.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   You "seen" a guy? It's embarrassing what America is turning into.

   I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed. Don't blame me there were no windows

   Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???