Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   If there is water in a watermelon, then whats in a kumquat?

   I am thankful for bean dip. The wife is thankful for air-freshener.

   If weed is ever legalized, I cant wait to see the commercials.

   Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.

   election day? I'll vote for anyone that will make it legal to beat my kids

   The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

   Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."

   There is a big difference between a boy and a girl when the sy "I went through a whole box of tissue watching a movie".

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Obamacare.org sticker on it... Now it sucks just fine

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   In the Toronto mayor's defense it was maple syrup flavored crack...

   so,I went to vote tonight...when I went to up to the machine, They said,"if you like your votes,you can keep your votes".....but,when I went to put my ballot in,it suddenly spit out a message that said "your votes are substandard,and are being cancelled.B

   Life is like toilet paper, your either on a roll or taking $hit from an a$$hole.