Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

   I haven't seen this much white powder fall from the sky since I partied with scar face and he sneezed in his pile of coke.

   Everybody out there, have lots of sex

   i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials

   Maybe women would be happier on their periods if someone invented tampons that vibrate..

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   If a pair or shorts is big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, chances are it's not.

   May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose and lay an egg in your sinuses.

   "You miss 64% of the shots you do take" - Dwight Howard's free throw coach

   Hi, if I have any relatives left on my mothers side of the family can you make yourself present so I can delete your sorry ass too. . .

   As far as I'm concerned, LL Cool J is old enough now he doesn't need to worry about what his "Momma said."

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   Mr President, if you like your apology, you can keep your apology.

   Not to brag but my coworkers spend alot of time hiding from me.

   I would say that if my coworkers were picking on me they're leaving someone else alone, but these guys are multi-taskers.

   My wife is getting real sick of me offering 'pen*s-cillin" every time she get sick.

   I am living vicariously through myself...

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new, "I promise, I'll only put the tip in"

   Funny how the first 5 years I did it, my biggest fear was someone walking in on me doing it.. and now in the last 5 years I wouldn't bother doing it unless someone was watching me.

   Funny how you can wake up feeling like you're on a tropical island, only to figure out later that it's the island of misfit toys.