Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to Benefits so when someone adds me it will say "You are now friends with Benefits."

   If you didn't go to my sporting events growing up,,,,,, you're dad to me.

   If stupidity was fatal, it would be a wonderful world and a lot less crowded.

   If you lost your iphone last night please let me know. Because I need that charger too

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"

   Today I am thankful for Rand Paul taking the heat off my joke plagiarism skills

   ran my first 5k today...finally I said, "Lady, take your purse!!"

   Ill be thankful when this thankful month is over

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   When you can have sex whenever you want...you won't want it every day. TRUST ME.

   Every relationship should be like a sunday. Soothing, relaxing, totally chilled out.

   says I would like to think a die a heroic dealth. but its more likely i'll trip over the dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting!

   When an old enemy cannot harm you, they'll try to become your friend so they can destroy you.

   "I think , therefore I am"- Descartes..."I post, therefore I ham"- Me

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   I'm not doing it wrong; I'm doing it my way.

   My dog is following me around. He's either loyal or he's waiting for the right moment to shank me and make a break for it.