Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazon: If you spend $17 more dollars, we'll knock off the $3 shipping fee.. Me: You've got yourself a deal, Amazon.... Every- Single- Time.

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   it normal that one of my balls is bigger then the other two?

   Give me hockey over basketball any day. Only one time out per team per game. The play keeps moving unlike basketball where the refs blow the whistle if a player breathes on another the wrong way.

   Some people think Obama's doing a good job, some think he's doing a bad job. I think about sex usually.

   If I ignored you any harder, we'd be married.

   Relationship status: ironing shirt with George Foreman grill.

   The irony that some of the ugliest people in the world come in the prettiest packaging

   Day #7: I am thankful that we can still engineer the electricals.

   wake up in the morning.... my mind: nope. my body: nope. my d!<K: let's rock!

   am I the only one worried about the the fact that the amount of people that are taking craps in water. THIS CAN'T BE HEALTHY PEOPLE!!!!!!!

   The "necessity" that is Planned Parenthood, in all actuality, stemmed from Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.

   I think we're old enough for a Karate Chop button on Facebook.

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.

   Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.

   The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I knew this was going to be good stuff.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.