Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Commercials on Pandora & Youtube are the Devil.

   Drinking Red Bull cured me, Conclusion; my cells allowed bacteria and viruses inside to kill them for sport.

   Its so cold I had to rub two ice cubes together to start a fire

   A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   If life taught me anything, it's that Mikey will eat anything...

   Great, just found out the truth. All my theories are wrong. God wants to end and restart humanity all because someone invented 'Twerking'...

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   We live in a world of smart phones and dumb people!

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for pants is asking the clerk if they make your butt look fat.

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   I feel sorry for Perrier water, they were the only ones for a long time...

   I gave her the ring but she gave me the finger.

   "The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever

   "Taco Bell reminds me of my abuela's cooking when I was growing up." - said no Juan ever

   I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.

   remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully.

   If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand!