Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When an old enemy cannot harm you, they'll try to become your friend so they can destroy you.

   "I think , therefore I am"- Descartes..."I post, therefore I ham"- Me

   ZOMBIE FART JOKE: Pull off my finger.

   I'm not doing it wrong; I'm doing it my way.

   My dog is following me around. He's either loyal or he's waiting for the right moment to shank me and make a break for it.

   I gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

   Girls adjust their bras in public all the time and no one says a thing. I adjust my b@lls once and everyone freaks out.

   I propose we add an eight day to the week . We shall call it... Saturday two!!

   Hey 3rd world country... Canada could care less about the Miss Universe pageant.

   Hey America and Canadians, the entire world already saw Miss Universe pageant. You people have to wait until 9 pm to watch how Miss Venezuela wins.

   im a real cool person once you get to ignore me

   Liquor stores should deliver to do their part to help with the drunk driving problem.

   Eminem is 41 years old what the hell.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.

   Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.

   funny jokes must be a Monday thru Friday job. zzzz

   Marriage is grand. Divorce is a 100 grand...

   Show me you're pushy. - Sean Connery

   There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.

   my wife ran off with my best friend. I sure miss him