Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided I no longer want to be an adult....if you need me I will be in my blanket fort with my coloring book, etch-a-sketch, lite brite, speak-n-spell, and my sit-n-spin. Best. Toys. Ever. This is gonna be off the hook!

   Some of you people could use something with a little water bubbling at the bottom....... Just sayin

   Was JFK killed by a lone gunman or was there a conspiracy? Compelling new evidence proves beyond doubt that it makes no difference at all, he's still dead

   Some of you people could use water mixed with a little whiskey.. Just sayin

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???

   Do forget to set your scale back 10lbs this next week

   I didnt know "Degrees Retard" was a standard unit of measure.

   She said we needed to talk like she doesn’t realize I paid $200 for these Dr Dre Beats and wanna get my money’s worth

   "FOX NEWS- Rich People Paying Rich People To Tell Middle Class People To Blame Poor People. "

   Apparently... you can't order "dat ass" at the drive-thru.

   Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we're hopeful.

   I'm so drunk I almost went outside.

   “One, 360, one” - Someone at Microsoft counting to 3

   Fajitas are just tacos that went on to get their medical degree

   World: We’re gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling. America: Cool, we’re gonna use the one that doesn’t make sense.

   following a car driving over a bridge with their left turn signal on. Where are they going to turn? Almost wish they would turn.

   I pulled over to pick up a one legged hitchhiker. I told him to hop in.

   Ladies, we can tell when you take a naked pic and try to crop it down to a head/shoulder shot.

   Have sex a bunch of times and suddenly you're expected to "answer her calls" and "act like you know her in public". Women are so confusing.