Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!

   You should appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.... unless it's an s.t.d.

   Smiles are contagious.....so is Herpes.

   I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

   I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center. It took me 20 minutes to realize it was just Justin Bieber in panty hose.

   I had to switch to the Ipad to see what you wrote on FB.....I just turn it on, and I could of sworn I saw a middle finger come up at the beginning of the screen before it died again...

   You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   "I think I can get you a dollar....You gotta be quicker than that" - Geico Fisherman Guy Commercial

   If I give you a dollar, will you buy a clue?

   I am trying to give Kim & Kanye their privacy. I just wish they would accept it.

   People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   Botox doesn't make you look young, it makes you look like you think you're old.