Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are just waiting to get offended. I'm offended that you're allowed to breathe. :-)

   Rock died in 90s. Very few bands rock these days.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   Anything that involves official documents is a small portion of hell.

   It's important to stand up for what you believe in. It's even more important to understand what exactly is it that you are standing up for.

   I was just sitting here minding my own business and a cold glass of beer just poured itself into my mouth.

   If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...

   People who use elevators for going up/down just one floor should be persecuted.

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.

   I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!

   In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

   Nothing is crazy if you're used to doing it.

   If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.

   To hell with the over-the-top flowers. Just tell her you are sorry and mean it.

   Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   Broke folks should wear leggings, What the hell you need pockets for?

   I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist".