Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   the difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer

   I AM A STEGOSAURUS.

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   Toronto mayor Rob Ford has agreed to star in a p0rno flick. Now there's a guy who will take a crack at anything.

   A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. I hope Axe Body Spray doesn't come up with their own version... I'd really hate to see the women who'll mob you for THAT scent.

   Do you know why most men die before their wives? Because they want to.

   Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat

   Anyone in Detroit with muscles think you can help me unscrew this part in my car? I've been at it for like 20 minutes and it won't budge

   Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I'm calling Santa!"

   Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   The following statement is true: the previous statement is false.

   "Toats Mcgoats!!!!!"

   I'm not trying to bring sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds".

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been today that's had "insufficient funds".

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim

   I'm disgusted when I see an old man with a younger woman. Or a younger man with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person really.