Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   Cringing in regret is my cardio

   Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   Sometimes I feel like cashier's find a certain joy in letting things run down the conveyer belt and then stopping it right after I decide to stop it 007 style with the person in front of me.

   We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time.

   I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.

   Obama want you to talk about Obamacare over the Thanksgiving table to get more to register......that program is still hanging on by a wing and a prair!

   While discussing the costliness of gifts, my wife's family has decided to draw names out of a hat for Christmas on Thanksgiving Day this year. Too bad I couldn't draw the name of a different family altogether for Christmas.

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   The best thing about all these crazy Potato Chip flavors is that we don't need to make side dishes for the Turkey this year.

   I think what I'm thankful for most this Thanksgiving is not having to read thirty more days of what everyone is thankful for.

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts.

   Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I've gotta go find my clothes.

   After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.

   My best posts are like children... I have my favorites and nobody else seems to be interested in hearing about them.