Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy...

   the number of tattoos & piercings a person has is directly related to how quickly they get bored

   Express lanes should have signs banning old people and people paying with food stamps.

   Nothing says thankful and greatful like puching your fellow man in the mouth for $30 off a cheap TV made in China. Now get out there and fight for your kids presents, cause whats a great Christmas without a war story for the kids..

   My son just told me a joke. So here it is, tell me what you think. Why do midgets laugh when they run?? Cause the grass tickles their balls.

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   Black Friday. The day we buy a whole bunch of material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.

   Due to his anger issues, trigger finger and his apparent racial hatred...George Zimmerman had been asked by Law Enforcement to avoid all Black Friday events today.

   Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.

   Before comedy how did people know women and men were different

   Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

   Thanksgiving: "Let's give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let's get all new stuff” MERICA!!!

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   Stop fat and ugly women from climbing on bar tops. Prevent counter terrorism.

   Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.

   If you don't have younger siblings, you're really missing out on having an unpaid servant around you the whole time.

   Look at your hands, puppet master. Those strings are not attached to me. I dance for no one, except me.

   Why don't strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.