Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that

   R.I.P tothe other passenger that no one caresabout because he wasn't famous.

   porn + cheetos = orange pecker

   "If one day speed kills me , Don't cry because I was smiling" - Paul Walker

   In honor of Paul Walker, KFC will be offering the "Walker Extra Crispy Special with mashed porschetatoes", for only $9.99.

   I hope I never see the day Bieber meets his demise. Facebook would be very dramatic indeed

   Bieber wasn't in that car by chance was he?

   I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

   Paul Walker .....starring in his most realistic performance yet ... "Fast and the Furious Fire 8, The Final Splat".

   16 yr old daughter: "Leave me alone dad"... Me: You don't want me hugging you?"... 16 year old daughter: (crying) "Hug Me, but leave me alone"..... *Woman training complete.

   I don't use hashtags, but if anybody wants one I still have an extra one I got from IKEA... You'll just need to assemble it.. // =

   Next year I want me some Pilgrims and Indians at my Thanksgiving meal. I'm tired of this family experience.

   Porsche for sale C?HEAP! Needs some work.

   Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

   Smartphones and dumb people - a match made in the 21st century.

   Human beings like to be entertained more than anything else. Hence the celebrity worshipping.

   The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.

   When a man dies, God asks his angels; "Was he married? If the answer is "Yes" God says, 'Take him straight to heaven he's already been through enough hell"

   I have psychic powers...I knew you would read this.

   Kills me that people act as if these people(celebrities) are someone they knew personally...?