Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women like to preach about women empowerment and equality until its time for them to pull out their own chair, then it's "manners".

   Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.

   If any of you guys get to hell before me, save me a seat at the bar

   My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.

   I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

   What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   I made my own wine so I should have to pay less - Jesus, when the bill came at the last supper, probably

   Consensual sex sounds expensive.

   Surprise your husband or wife this holiday season with consensual sex.

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I don't want you to like me.

   Until I have it again, I refuse to believe that sex is still a thing

   If the world was a school, the united states would be the special class.

   It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..

   You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?

   There's a fine line between looking for someone who makes you happy and looking for someone who makes you horny. . .

   Ten minutes left in the workday. This is where I use the restroom, and wash my hands for a long time.

   We were actually 36th in math and 24th in reading. This is still nothing to be proud of but it still thought I should make it accurate.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.